oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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