He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
