Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
