So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
