I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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