my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my shit smells like andre
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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