Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
