I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
