I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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