First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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