I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
this hospital has no fireball
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
