just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
My liver just had a heart attack.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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