Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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