apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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