And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
