my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
