Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
