You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
