I accidentally had phone sex last night
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize