Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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