so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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