Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
