I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
