You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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