I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
