It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
