I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
