i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
