We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
now i know why i became what i already was.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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