We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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