The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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