ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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