just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i've created a new STD.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
