found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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