I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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