Please, let me fuck your mom
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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