The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
