I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
