cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
