The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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