Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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