thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
