i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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