I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
