Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
