I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
