FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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