captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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