It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
