I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
