i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Dick very happy bro
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
