I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
