Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
