for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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