whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
