Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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