I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
please come you make the beer taste better
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dear god my vagina.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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