god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
