Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
