happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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